Snacks from the Land of Woes: Part VI (Sloth)

We're going into Lightning Round! Let's take this to the next level! GO!

There is another side to the River Styx. Where the wrathful writhe above its surface, the slothful lay submerged below. These were the lazy, the complacent. Those who could not be bothered to make the necessary provisions for survival. Now, too late, they know the horrors of their deeds as they lie helplessly beneath the chunky slop. Alukh and I learned the secrets of this riverbed of sorrows as we approached...

FIFTH CIRCLE OF HELL, PART TWO: HONG VAN'S GRASS JELLY DRINK

It seemed so calm and placid!



We read the ingredients. We thought it was enough. Why shouldn't it be? And beside the ominous "grass jelly" compound, it all sounded fairly kosher. Thus, Alukh bravely drank.



After the horrors of the white gourd drink, "not exactly awful" sounded like a dream. I reached for it and drank. And drank. And drank again.



But oh, if only we had read the fine print that said "shake before opening." There was something sinister lurking beneath the surface of this drink that we would not find until we poured it out. By that time, of course, we had drank half the can, having used it to calm our nerves between bouts with more trying items. If only we had known. IF ONLY WE HAD KNOWN.



Those weren't ice cubes in that label picture, those were despicable chunks of brown jelly blood-clot filth from beyond the grave! And yet, it serves us right for not reading the instructions. Laziness gets you nowhere but exactly that.

Once having crossed the Styx, we were now at the lower levels of Hell. The levels of active violence. Treachery, heresy, and murder. And companion olives. Stay tuned.

Snacks from the Land of Woes: Part V (Wrath)

In Hell, there is a thick, swamp-like river called Styx. The wrathful, driven mad by its black stench and their own hatred, fight each other in in the sludge. I can only imagine that our next gastronomical endeavour would have had similar effects.

FIFTH CIRCLE OF HELL: YEO'S WHITE GOURD DRINK

We're over the rainbow now, folks. This is not good. Only horrors lie in this inauspicious little aluminum can.



Like all aluminum can drinks, it was hermetically sealed for our protection. Unlike most aluminum can drinks, "hermetically sealed for our protection" meant "to try to keep you from drinking it, you nitwits."



But sweet is good, right? Since when has sweet ever been bad?



We stand corrected! That is, we would, if the White Gourd Drink hadn't crippled us and frozen our faces into grotesque parodies of our former selves, to serve as a warning to others not to do as we have done.



The White Gourd Drink could not have been poured down the drain fast enough. It stung our noses and demanded the consuming of more Lobster Crisps to cleanse the palate. Still, cleansing was what we needed, because there was still more wading to do in this river. The water would grow sludgier, and the horrors would grow more tangible, as we entered the realm of GRASS JELLY DRINK.

Snacks from the Land of Woes: Part IV (Avarice and Waste)

Sometimes when you dislike something, you want to save it all for the garbage bin; some other times when you dislike something, you just want to give it all away as fast as possible.

Alukh and I experienced this study in opposites firsthand as we fell deeper still in our intrepid snack food journey. This time, our encounter would be into the darkness of the...

FOURTH CIRCLE OF HELL: SEA CRUNCH SALT N' VINEGAR PRAWN SNACKS

A lot of snack food around the world seems to involve the word "puffs." The difference is all in how it's prefaced. We Americans tend to suffix "puffs" onto words like "cheese" or "corn" or even "sugar." In Japan, however, the word is just as likely to be following some sort of crustacean. We were no strangers to the ubiquitous Shrimp Puff, but now we found ourselves face to face with its larger meaner brother: Prawn Puff.



But, unlike most of the subsequent delicacies, the way they looked was nothing, NOTHING, compared to the other sensory triggers it had to offer.



Shrimp really isn't such a salty food, so this was an interesting and unexpected sensation all right. I guess they needed something to separate it from the Shrimp Puffs. Alukh dove into the Salt Lake.



She insisted that I would hate it, but I think she was just trying to keep them all for herself. I was not about to be fooled.... or was I?



To Hell with that noise. I decided to be generous: the cats could have it. Alukh's cats are very nice little things, by the way. They still refused, however, to eat the Prawn Snacks. I can't imagine why. Perhaps we should have gone out to the hill and tried to find deer to feed them too. I hear deer eat salt like crazy.

Done with the fourth round, we were taking a beating and it was just beginning to show. Still, we held onto our hats and pressed onward. Next, we would stumble into the sludgy banks of the River Styx, and the sullen wrath that goes by the name: WHITE GOURD DRINK.