not//since: The Holidays Strike Back: Part II (a.k.a. How Jaded We've Become This Year)

Last year, I did it first, and it was horrific. But how will it hold up, now that it's been a year? Moreover, it hadn't yet been Thanksgiving when I sampled it the first time. I was working with an idealized memory of how things should taste. Now, with the flavor of kosher turkey still lingering in the near reaches of my mind, would the soda version truly live up to the horror I remembered?

We were about to find out.

STAGE TWO: TURKEY AND GRAVY SODA (REDUX)

I couldn't face it alone again, so I called up Andrew and it only took about a week of cajoling to get him over to my house. Why on earth would he wait so long when he should be jumping at the chance to try potentially-horrible soda with me? I don't know either, it's crazy!

We examined the ingredients, and found them to be pretty much exactly the same as the Dinner Roll soda, only in a mixed-up order. Salt: no longer the second ingredient! Only the third, and the fact that the soda somehow still makes up 12% of our daily sodium intake was unsettling.

Ingredients: Carbonated water, natural and artificial flavors, salt, caramel color, acacia gum, glucono delta lactone (acidulant), saib, medium chain triglyceride, sodium benzoate and potassium sorbate (as preservatives), sucralose (a nonnutritive sweetener).

Andrew copped to being sick as an excuse not to smell it. He's the only kid I know with sinuses wonkier than mine (proportional to the size of our magnificent Spanish noses, I should think), so it was a valid enough claim. It was all up to me.

Delicious. I held my breath.

Ugh. But just like last year, you don't really get the full effect until you swallow. (Incidentally, that's exactly what Andrew's mom said last night!)

Last year I probably would have given this a full score of ten on the scale of despair, but after my encounter with the Brussels Sprouts flavor I just can't. It's horrible, no doubt, but there is worse out there. I'm going to have to rate it at around an eight.

DESPAIR:

Today's bottlecap moral was nice as well. I feel like Jones Soda is trying to help me take control of my life. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and god damn it, people like me! (Sometimes!) (I hope!) (right?)

And now, in stereophonic surround sound with terrible lighting, Valley Girl vocal tics (How many times do I say "kind of..."? It's ridiculous. I'm embarrassed.) and Andrew laughing in a manner not unlike The Penguin.