Snacks from the Land of Woes: Part I (Limbo)

Welcome back, my friends, to a Hell that never ends. It's one you may remember from, well, the last post down, in which I sampled the despairs and delights of the Jones Soda 2005 Holiday Pack. In the last installment, I offered a sip of soda #5 (Pumpkin Pie) to my co-worker Chi, who in return offered the comment that this soda was nothing special and that the Asian markets his family shops at carry weirder things than my sodas the whole year 'round. He may as well have thrown down a red carpet to the front entrance of Lucky Seafood the second he said that, because I immediately knew what had to be done. However, it couldn't be done without my intrepid home-for-the-holidays co-pilot: the fabulous Alukh Suicide. (Whom you may or may not know from Suicide Girls.) On December 29th, I worked an eight-hour day; Ally, in the meantime, went shopping.



She was going back to Oregon soon, which meant that we didn't have a lot of time to spend on this. No, this had to be done in a single crazy whirlwind night. Armed with nothing but our stalwart spirits and a bottle of Kirin Ichiban, we gritted our teeth and prepared for battle with snack food straight from the most sadistic tentacles of the Far East. We shall refer to each endeavour in a manner not unlike that Dante's Inferno. Let's start with purgatory, shall we?

FIRST CIRCLE OF SNACK FOOD HELL: NIKI CRISPY CRUNCHY JACKFRUIT CHIPS

Yeah okay, I'll admit we started out easy. Chips are chips. Even if you have no idea what the hell kind of chips they are.



Decaying onions but with all the taste of a light banana smoothie! Appetizing, eh? EH?



Alukh went first. It was only fair. She didn't drink the turkey soda.



They were bland, yeah, but as the night wore on we came to look back on the jackfruit chips as a fond memory of benign and benevolent mercy.



All right! The first tick on the scoreboard reads -- Team Vomit: 0, Team DictionaryGirl: 1! We were off to a relatively excellent start. Join us next time, as we descend into the Second Circle of Snack Food Hell: Lobster Crackers. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.